On a side note, I am really rather (still) frustrated with my weight. I know that i am eating more right now because i am unhappy with my job. I have to fix this. I always eat when i am irritated or upset. It drives me crazy because i know that i am doing it and i know i hate the way that i feel after i eat things i shouldn't. I am normally such an active person. i have never and never will be a skinny person. I just don't have the bone structure for it. I used to really be upset with myself over this, but since being pregnant and having said DS I would give anything for the body before i had him. I used to be SO fit and healthy. Of course i could not ever hope to attain that level of fitness right now as it was a result of 14 hours a day 7 days a week in the saddle and lifting heavy things, walking tens of miles a day, etc at the barn. But i would be happy with some form of fitness. I am trying, but i will be honest i am not trying hard enough. It is all my fault and i do take full responsibility for my inactiveness. I do occasionally get out and walk 3 miles with my DS, but pushing that heavy stroller up some of those hills, kills me and just takes the fun out of the walk. Not to mention the stepping on the lower bar of the stroller is irritating so i have to shorten my stride, which i don't like. I tried a jogger stroller and i like the leg clearance, but who made these things without turnable front wheels? Obviously not someone who uses it on any street in the US. Plus do we buy a one or a two child one? We are planning and trying for a second child so do we drop a couple hundred on a one child or much much more on the two child one? So for now we aren't buying one as money is a problem and we need to save for a bigger house.

I get frustrated with myself though. i can mentally be motivated to do things, but then talk myself out of it for stupid reasons that i regret later. Or i will be motivated to go on a walk or something after work, but will talk myself out of it at the time because i don't have my shoes, blah blah. Stupid stuff. Somedays i can get myself up, but i really wonder what happened to that person who worked so many hours before at the barn and never really thought much about what she was doing? I guess she is lost and in her place is a hopeless lazy person. I guilt myself a lot for not getting more done in a day, but i know that i get a lot done, it just isn't necessairly all that i wanted to do. I know that i try to live each day to somewhat of the fullest as i really do not want my last day on the earth to be spent watching tv. Also i don't want my DS to pick up such bad habits and laziness and i know that they see this from the start. So i get him outside a lot, but i don't take him to the barn. We have som mean dogs there and they will hurt a small child regardless of adult supervision, i can't have that. They run free around the farm so i can't stop them so for now he stays home when i am at the barn. Later maybe i will bring him out although i don't intend to push the horses, if he is interested then i will assist.

I also have been very short with my DH as of late. I don't know why. I think and may be sure that it is because of my unhappiness at work that is making me this way. I mean i went from studying to become a surgeon to this a job that i so do not enjoy. I never intended this to be a life long position only intended for it to get me through school and now that that has been derailed i feel stuck. I am lack-lusterly looking for another job, but night jobs are few and far between and the pay here is great. But i am taking all this out on my DH. Now he is pretty good about taking my bad moods, which as of late have been quite a few, and just letting me be. I can tell that it is wearing on him though. Sometimes though he asks the dumbest questions, that in my mind he should really know the answer to and it drives me crazy that he can't think for 2 seconds and figure it out. Of course, he says i do the same thing to him, which may be true, honestly lately i have no memory. I swear having DS took away my ability to remember anything and it is frustrating. More frustrating to have DH come back and say that i said something and now i am contradicting it and i know that he is probably right, but i can't freakin' remember!

*sigh* it has to get better than this. If my memory doesn't improve we may have to get that fixed along with the boobs and the tummy tuck i am planning on having after 4 kids. I know that after this one things have already headed south and if they head much farther we may have to have surgery after each one!